Every night, my husband and/or I help our 3 year old son get into his PJs, brush his teeth, and prepare for story time before he goes to sleep. One of us typically lies on the floor next to his toddler bed until he falls asleep. And every night without fail, he’s nestled in between us at the foot of our bed. Our family bed.
How did we get here?
During my first pregnancy, my husband and I decided that we would purchase a bedside co-sleeper so that our son could sleep next to us for the first few months. Knowing how paranoid I would be about SIDS, I felt comfortable with the idea of him being next to us…with us…but not necessarily in our bed. After all, I’m a NICU nurse with over 10 years of experience in maternal and newborn nursing and I know the risk factors for SIDS.
In the hospital, my son was a typical newborn. He ate, slept and repeated that cycle every 2-3 hours without fail. We even let him sleep in the hospital nursery one or two nights of my four night hospital stay so that we could prepare to never sleep again get some rest.
We took our precious son home after four nights in the hospital to a house full of cameras and crew. The episode was NICU Nurse’s First and, as if on cue, my son decided that this was his night to show off party like a rock star. He performed well for the crew and was up every. single. hour. When families talk about sleep deprivation, this is the definition.
After the crew left, my husband and I talked about the fact that this was probably just a fluke. Perhaps my son sensed the organized chaos that is created when you’re filming a national television show. That night would be better. Or so we thought.
It turned out that my son wasn’t acting and this wasn’t TV. This was real life and we were not sleeping. Combine that with the fact that I was recovering from a c-section, dealing with the hormonal fluctuations of post-partem, and trying to learn to breast-feed and it made for some very rough nights.
So we did it. We did what we said we wouldn’t do. We brought our baby boy into the bed with us. It was like he was meant to be there…snuggled in between us. And finally, we slept more than one hour stretches. Of course he wasn’t sleeping through the night. He was an infant. But he was sleeping for 3-4 hours and it was life-changing.
Sleep deprivation is damaging…physically, emotionally, and relationally. But bringing our son into our bed was about more than just a remedy for sleep deprivation. We wanted him close to us and he wanted to be close to us.
Transitioning him to a toddler bed was challenging. He spent the first year and a half of his life sleeping with us and had difficulty falling and staying asleep alone. He was in and out of our bed and we weren’t consistent or stringent about putting him back in his own bed. But one day…one day he slept in his bed…all night long. I should have been ecstatic. But our bed just felt empty and it made me sad. People tell me that the early years…the infant, toddler and preschool years are here and then they’re gone…and they are right.
Fast forward a few years to the birth of our daughter. She’s 14 months old and has never slept a single night in a crib, co-sleeper, bassinet or pack and play. That very first night in the hospital I decided that this was one battle I wasn’t going to take on. We were all going to sleep. Despite the nurse’s warning that she was in danger, I placed her next to me in that bed and that is where she has slept every single night of her life.
My pediatrician warned us that our son was going to have difficulty with a new person in his home, taking time away from his mommy and daddy. He was right. My once independent little boy started regressing (as is to be expected). One of the manifestations of his regression was his refusal to sleep in his own bed. We’ve tried everything from big boy sheets to favorite toys. He has taken up residence at the foot of our bed.
Here we are, one year later with both of our children are in our bed…our family bed. Some may shake their heads in disagreement, baffled at why we haven’t been more insistent. Babies, toddlers, preschoolers Children need to feel safe, secure and loved. Rght now, our children need to sleep with us. It won’t be like this forever. One day they will grow up and out of this phase. They won’t want to snuggle with mommy and daddy. They won’t need us in this way. For now, we’re meeting our children’s need for security by allowing them to sleep with us in our bed.
How do you handle sleep challenges in your home?
*Note: Despite the fact that we co-sleep, we ensure that both of our children are safe.
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We have the same thing going at our house! Most nights my 3.5 year old son will stay in his bed now (it took about three months after my second son was born), but my 1 year old sleeps with us every night. I really don’t mind it and that way I know he or both boys are safe. I did say when my second was born that I wasn’t going to have him in our bed, but that soon changed!
@Cherice I know….we never planned on sleeping with both of them. It just sort of happened and it’s working for now. Eventually of course we would like our bed back. But for now…
I have had a child in my bed for most of the last 17 years.
My first son slept in our bed from his infancy until he was nearly 10 years old. He was only a few months old when the 1994 Northridge earthquake rocked our world, and he was in our bed that night. After surveying the damage our house sustained, my husband and I were thankful he had been with us that night…and somehow he never left. He had a crib and then a toddler bed, and eventually a big boy bunkbed, but even though he fell asleep in them, he always woke up with us. We tried the Ferber thing, and just couldn’t suffer it. It wasn’t until he was nine and his little brother arrived that he finally stopped sleepwalking into our bed; Needing his room for the nursery, we moved his bedroom downstairs, and it seems the stairs were what finally kept him in his room all night.
His little brother is now eight, and still sleeps with us.
We co-slept with both our boys. Our first, who is now 3 1/2, probably for about 12 months. We then transitioned him to his crib, downstairs and he did fine. He still found his way back to our bed from time to time. He still does now but we have him sleep on a little bed we made on the floor for him, just because am prego again and need some space. He probably only does this once a week if not less. Our second boy slept with us up until 6 months. We had to transition him to the crib earlier than I wanted because I was ill for what ended up being about 9 months and I could not sleep with him there. I also was forced to quit nursing due to the illness and medications I was on so it was a very sad time. Our second has since never wanted anything to do with our bed. He is a totally different personality than our first, and is much more independent and doesn’t like to cuddle.
Our third is on the way in 10 weeks and I am sure we will co-sleep again. I will never regret doing it and think that we are one of the few societies who DO NOT do it as much.
Here’s a some research I found on it. Not sure how legit it is but it sounds like common sense to me.
http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/tami_breazeale.html
I love my babies … But I missmy husband. Torn.