Fear. I know we all fear something…it’s part of what makes us human. But when did I become terrified of spiders or airplanes or pregnancy? Sometimes I look at my 2 year old and long for the days when I knew no fear.
Two years ago, around this time I started contracting with my son. We hadn’t even reached that magical “24” week mark, which really isn’t as magical as some think. I’m a NICU nurse. I know when it’s safe. And I don’t feel safe until that baby is in my arms…healthy and term. I generally try to be a positive person. But the reality is, I’m afraid. My husband jokes that if we had not just “gotten pregnant” I would never have felt it was the “right” time. Thankfully, pregnancy…life…the beginning and the end…are not in our control.
So far, this pregnancy has gone much better than my first. I was sick…really sick. But then one day I woke up and wanted to eat. I had that second trimester burst of energy for about a week. I’m tired…chronically tired. If you worked 12+ hour shifts and ran after a 2 year old and tried to maintain an orderly home, you might be chronically tired too…even if you weren’t pregnant. And the migraines…oh the migraines. But otherwise, I feel good. As good as expected, considering the fact that I’m pregnant.
Last time around, I didn’t get “attached” to my son until I was late into my third trimester. Hospitals and bedrest and monitoring and medications…it was all so uncertain. This time it’s different. No monitoring or bedrest or complications. I’ve just come back from a 2 week trip all the way across the country. I should be ecstatic. And I am. Don’t get me wrong. I’m going to have a daughter. And that thought just brings tears to my eyes. But then there is that part of me that asks the question, What if? What if something starts to change with the pregnancy? What if I end up on bedrest again? I think of myself and the baby and my son and my husband and our finances and it’s all too overwhelming.
My husband and my family are very supportive. But I know my husband wishes I didn’t worry so much. Believe me, I long for the days when I was a carefree, fearless child. But time and experience have changed all that.
We found out almost two weeks ago that we’re having a little girl. Right away we named her. My husband jokes that I’ve had her name picked out since I was fifteen. He is probably right. My mother-in-law bought our little girl her first outfit. And I took a bold step and picked out two gorgeous dresses for her in Charleston. Baby steps. Let’s face it. I’m attached. Every kick and hiccup and movement just continues to seal the bond I already feel for her.
So while I’m overjoyed and thankful and beyond blessed to be pregnant with a healthy baby girl, I’m also torn between this nagging fear I have. I guess the first step towards overcoming fear is admitting to myself that I’m afraid…and that I’m not in control.
My mom emailed me this Psalm to read this morning. It couldn’t have come at a better time…
Psalm 91
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 This I declare about the LORD:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.
3 For he will rescue you from every trap
and protect you from deadly disease.
4 He will cover you with his feathers.
He will shelter you with his wings.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
5 Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
nor the arrow that flies in the day.
6 Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
nor the disaster that strikes at midday.
7 Though a thousand fall at your side,
though ten thousand are dying around you,
these evils will not touch you.
8 Just open your eyes,
and see how the wicked are punished.
9 If you make the LORD your refuge,
if you make the Most High your shelter,
10 no evil will conquer you;
no plague will come near your home.
11 For he will order his angels
to protect you wherever you go.
12 They will hold you up with their hands
so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.
13 You will trample upon lions and cobras;
you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!
14 The LORD says, “I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.
15 When they call on me, I will answer;
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue and honor them.
16 I will reward them with a long life
and give them my salvation.”
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First, I want to thank you & your Mom for the verse………I just found out that my boss of ten years & dear friend, has, at best, three weeks to live. I want to copy & print this to take to him on my visit on wednesday. Yes, we all have fears, I seemed to have more when my children were little or is it that I was younger & feared too many things could happen way too soon in life? Looking in & reading your heart felt post,as a very UNprofessional person, I think that your fears are compounded by the fact that as a Nurse, you know too much. OMG! If I knew half of what you do as a young Mother, I’d been commited! I think you’ll be fine. I KNOW you’ll be fine. You’re a wonderful, educated, young Mom & a very good one at that! And if luck works the same way it does with me……….your beautiful son will be the only one to have those curls! LOL He sure is precious! I love the picture………….and the whole post……Bless you & your beautiful family.
I find as I get older it is harder not to worry about things that are out of my control. I have more fears now than I used to also. Reading the Word is very helpful when I have those fears. I’m glad everything is going well for you right now!
Thanks for sharing Caryn. I will add you and Bailey to my prayers tonight. You must have an awesome mama too. She picked the perfect scripture.
I can relate to you about having fear but just different circumstances. (Starting life over at 44, laid off from job, staying at my mom’s and wondering where on earth I will end up 😉 It can be overwhelming to think about, like you said, you get the what if’s. But, God is faithful and He will be there for you and your children always.
My son Christopher is 22 now and I still find myself worrying too much about him but I think that is all part of being a mom.
:::sending hugs::: You’re in my prayers.
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Bring the whole family out for a weekend filled with nostalgic fun and something for the kids to remember!
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Fear is something that never goes away as a parent. I hope you are able to at some point lessen the fears you do have.
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