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My father wasn’t afraid of death. His perspective was matter-of-fact because he understood its inevitability. He lived a full life and his retirement years were spent making memories with his family, particularly his grandchildren. While his loss was felt heaviest by my mother and I, occasionally, my son will tell me that he misses grandpa. Their bond was the sweetest since my father took care of my son while I worked in the NICU at my local Children’s Hospital. I used to cry with every mention of my father, but time heels most wounds, and these days, I actually look forward to talking about and remembering who my father was.
Losing a loved one is a very personal experience and one that left me emotionally raw. I often found comfort talking to those who had experienced such a loss as it helped validate what I was thinking and feeling. Those shared experiences are what guided me through the grieving process. For many, this time of loss and grieving is complicated, stressful, and perceived as unnatural. And for author Janis Heaphy Durham, in many instances this was her experience.
In her book The Hand On The Mirror, Heaphy Durham shares her experience with death as she grieves the loss of her husband, who died of esophageal cancer. During that time after her husband died, Heaphy Durham began experiencing other worldly phenomena. From flickering lights, opening and closing of doors, and clocks stopping at the exact time her husband died, Heaphy Durham could never have anticipated that on the first anniversary of her husband’s death she would see a powdery handprint on her bathroom mirror. Convinced this was more than a coincidence, Heaphy Durham began a personal journey to grieve and heal from the loss of her husband. This life-changing quest transformed her view of reality as she interviewed scientists and spiritual practitioners in search of answers. What she found was that the veil between this world and the next is often obscure but that her and her husband were ultimately connected by the love they shared.
One of the things I was told during my grieving was that remembering those who have died helps during the healing process and honors the legacy of loved ones. While I don’t know how easy it would have been in those initial weeks after my father died, here are some of the ways you can honor loved ones.
- Talk about them. It seems simple enough. But I can’t tell you how many people avoided talking about my father once he died for fear of upsetting me. I cherished the memories friends and family shared and I learned things I didn’t know about the impact my father had on those people. I regularly provide opportunities for my kids to talk about the things they remember and loved about their grandfather and it helps all of us keep his legacy alive.
- Create a scrapbook or photo book. Photography was my father’s passion and career, so finding photos to put together in one place wasn’t difficult. The challenge became narrowing it down to those that most accurately reflected his life as a whole. Be sure to include any items that your loved one collected, created or those that emulate who they were.
- Plan an annual celebration honoring them. For our family, this special day could not occur on the day my father died. Rather, we choose to celebrate him each year around his birthday because it is symbolic of life. The celebration can be simple and include close family or larger and include friends and anyone else who would like to remember your loved one.
- Participate in a service project in honor of your loved ones. If your loved one had a passion for serving a particular community, you might continue that tradition in their honor. Similarly, you could begin a regular volunteer activity that reflects his/her personality. If the sadness of losing your loved one is intensified by certain times of the year, pouring that energy into serving someone else can be healing and therapeutic.
- Utilize a piece of his/her jewelry to create something new: Some people prefer to gift a wedding ring or other significant jewelry to a family member. But you might consider using that piece of jewelry to create something new that will remind you of your loved one.
I can say with certainty that after 3+ years, I’m finally at the “acceptance” phase of my grief. Most days, I can think about my father and all of the wonderful memories we shared without sadness. If you’re looking for a book to help you explore your feelings surrounding the loss of a loved one, you might consider The Hand on the Mirror by Janis Heaphy Durham. You can read an excerpt from the book here.
For more information, visit TheHandontheMirror.org or follow on Facebook. You can also connect with publisher on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram using the hashtag #HandontheMirror.
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