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In just a few short weeks, my son will be going back to preschool. Why he we took him out in the fall is an entirely separate discussion. But I digressed. He wasn’t potty trained when we started last year (at the age of two) and that was perfectly acceptable with the preschool. They were willing to work with him and with us to complete the process. He was excited about his Potty Bench and enjoyed reading about the Potty Tots. We put the stickers in the bathroom. He even tinkled in the potty on several occasions. And then she was born.
I was warned that he might regress. I wasn’t prepared for his complete and utter refusal to complete the potty training process. So here we are, a little over a month away from that magical age of three and still in Pull-Ups. No child who tinkles in my car, the moment I’ve removed his diaper should still be in diapers. Yet, his answer to me when I ask if he wants to use the potty is a no….loud and clear.
I was told I shouldn’t force him…or coerce him…that I should let him dictate when he’s ready. But he’s almost THREE! And he won’t be able to move up to the “big kid” classroom until he’s mastered this feat. I don’t understand why something so natural is so daunting to a toddler. So…where does one turn when they’ve got a toddler who’s outgrown his diapers? Why Ralph Covert of Ralph’s World, of course! (hehe!)
I had an opportunity to participate in a conference call with Ralph and Jen Singer Pull-Ups Potty Training Expert, Jen Singer (who also blogs at MommaSaid.net). Each of us had an opportunity to ask questions, specific to our potty training challenges.
The first question I asked was whether or not I should be using a separate potty chair or a potty seat. Here is what they had to say:
Jen Singer: The answer is, I don’t know. And the reason why I don’t know is it depends on your child. I can tell you that I had two sons 19 months apart, and the first one went with the potty chair. I put him on – you know, on the little potty in the middle of the kitchen, and he’d watch “It’s Potty Time.” And then my younger one, because he would mimic his older brother, went straight to the toilet. So it’s a matter of what’s exciting for them, what works for them. You know, some parents would prefer to go right to the toilet, because then you don’t have to bring a potty with you everywhere you go, but I would say, use whatever excites them. If they covet the potty and they think that’s the coolest thing, get one. If not, then get a ring and put it on the toilet.
My next question addressed his regression when my daughter was born. Here is what they had to say:
Jen Singer: Well it’s a very common thing. And because what happens is, if there’s a big life change – for example, if you move or there’s a divorce or if there’s a new baby – there’s often regression. And in terms of having a little, what he’s seeing is, well, the baby gets all this attention and the baby poops in her diaper and the baby sucks her thumb, or whatever, so he starts to mimic her, thinking that that’s going to get him attention. So what you need to do is really play up the fact that he’s a big kid. And you can do that by pointing out the things that only he gets to do because he’s a big kid now. If grandparents come to visit, make sure they don’t go to the baby first. The baby’s not going to remember but he is. And he’s probably keeping score, so everyone makes a big deal about seeing him first. Have rewards for potty training that only big kids get. The baby doesn’t get this sort of thing. In fact, you might want to let him pick it out. For my boys it was stickers, and I would put the stickers all over their shirt so that when daddy came home he would see they were decorated and how great potty training had been going for them. So they get a double high-five. These are all things that I would do. Or, call up grandma when he goes on the potty and have a long-distance potty dance party. These are all things that I would do – just make sure you point out he’s a big kid, and see if you can go that route.
Ralph Covert: My sense would be kind of a two-fold with it. On one sense, I think Jen’s absolutely right; I think at all ages of a kid’s development there come these phases where the child kind of looks backwards and looks forward, you know, and so there’s certain things that they kind of regress to do – not in a bad way, but because they’re kind of nostalgic for that earlier phase. So I would just kind of remind you that it’s actually OK and it’s a part of moving forward, which is always letting go. So I’d kind of allow them that to a certain degree, and just understand that it’s actually a good thing, it’s part of his process that means that he actually is processing and differentiating himself from that. But – as with any other letting go, you have to let go. So, know that by the fact that he’s doing it, he’s not moving backwards, it’s part of his moving forwards progress.
And the second thing, to then encourage him to move forward is I think kind of playing off what Jen was saying. Let him make the choice…if he’s going to be a baby, then these are the baby things. But if he’s going to be a big kid, then this whole parcel of other things comes along with it. If you want to be a big kid, then these are the big kid things, but you need to be a big kid for those. So if you’re not ready to be a big kid, then you don’t have to have the stickers – but if you would like to do the big kid stuff, then that’s OK too. You can choose to do the big kid stuff. So empowering him to kind of choose the whole direction of do I want the big kid stuff, or do I want to forego that and have the baby stuff. Because when he’s empowered, then he can finish the process and own it with pride.
My next question was about the importance of rewards. Here is what they had to say:
Jen Singer: Well, it depends on the child. For some kids rewards work great – and I’m not talking about offering a trip to Disney here. I’m saying something small that works for them. And sometimes you can even let them pick it out. Or a chart sometimes works for some kids. If you mark their success over a period of time, some kids like that. It’s all part of making it fun.
Ralph Covert: Yeah, our now 10-year-old is one of the kids who just loves candy. But we didn’t use it as a reward as much as we just said, well, big kids get candy but babies don’t. We just let her choose which camp she was a part of. As soon as she realized that big kids got candy but babies didn’t, she wanted no part of the baby. For her it was very much keyed into her identity of understanding oh, if I’m a big kid I get this? Dude, that’s not even a discussion. So it wasn’t like, if you do this you get a treat kind of thing. It was like more the identity of being a big kid. But it all comes down to the kid, you know.
Jen Singer: Positive peer pressure does go a long way. So, (Caryn), if you know a nephew or somebody who’s a little bit older who can show him how to do it on the potty, than it makes it exciting for them.
Ralph Covert: And you could probably use “The Potty Dance” as a kind of a positive thing. The baby doesn’t get to do “The Potty Dance,” but you can because you’re a big kid.
Jen Singer: For those of you who have boys, it often takes boys longer to potty train, and some people think that that’s because it’s a developmental thing, and it’s not really. It’s because usually Mom does the potty training. So try as we might, we can’t pee standing up. We can, but it’s messy. It’s good to get Dad involved.
My last question had to do with when we should move from Pull-Ups to underwear. Here is what they had to say:
Jen Singer: Pull-Ups is a product that eventually wants you to stop using it. That’s the point. I found that for me, Pull-Ups made it easier for me to take my kids and go somewhere. We could go somewhere, and I knew that they weren’t going to pee on my mother-in-law’s couch. But yes, the goal is to get them in underpants. When do you introduce underpants? It depends. If they’ve been dry for a whole morning, and they do that frequently, you might want to introduce underwear. You can say, you’re being such a big boy, a big girl, now. Llet’s get these really cool Spiderman underpants, or whatever it is. Let them pick it out, and say, you know, for the next hour you get to wear the big boy underpants. And then just remind him that he’s got to put his pee and poop in the potty. And remember, you might have some poopy underpants at one point or another, and that’s OK, you just clean it up and remind them to put in the potty.
I really tried to shorten the conversation but there was a ton of valuable information for those of us in the trenches of potty training. For more tips on enduring the process, just visit their website or Facebook page.
Win It! I have a pack of Pull-Ups to give to one reader! Simply leave me a comment with a valuable piece of potty training advice you found on their website or Facebook page. Comments will close on May 27, 2010 at 11:59 PM PST. One comment per person, please (unless you do the extra credit). US residents only. Duplicates and comments not including the above information will be disqualified. Comments are moderated. If you don’t see your comment in a reasonable amount of time, send me an email. Bloggers and non-bloggers may enter. If you don’t want to leave your email address, please be sure to check back for my announcement on the winner. Please note that winners must respond within 48 hours of being announced/contacted or another winner will be drawn. Want an extra entry? Do any or all of the following and receive an extra entry for each one.
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I received a gift card for participating in this conference call. The giveaway was sponsored by the company.
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I think this is a good piece of advise, but it’s not quite what I want to hear with a stubborn 4 yr old that doesnt always make it to the potty.
“Toilet training is a developmental process. Children’s bodies and brains are developing all the time, and each new phase sets the foundation for those to come. No amount of teaching can make those developments happen before their time. ”
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A tip I learned was to help with training at night. Make sure that your child’s path to the bathroom is well lit – and free of toys. Keep a nightlight on in the bathroom overnight, so your child can find everything they need.
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I read that you should use some form of praise. Like candy, cars, or stickers. Something to encourage!
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Great article!! I learned this: If you have a boy, put round cereal in the water and let him use it for target practice. He’ll be having so much fun he’ll forget all the pressure of potty training.
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it suggests having the child tackle one objective like #1..before starting the second objective going #2..so the kid will go into the second feeling confidant
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I learned:Every child is unique when it comes to potty training. There is no right age to start, but most children begin showing signs of readiness sometime between 18 and 24 months of age. Let your child set the pace.
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I liked the following that I read on their site:
“Children are biologically motivated to imitate their parents, says Rogers. In her view, having your child watch you use the toilet is helpful in normalizing the entire process. “It’s just a body function,” she says. “Everyone has to do it. There isn’t anything to be upset about if you see Mom and Dad do it and everything turns out OK. No one’s getting flushed down the toilet. It’s all OK and calm.”
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sounds excellent
one bit of info I found interesting is that if you relax about potty training and just let it happen it usually will go quicker than if you stress over it
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stumbled it
don’t push, they will potty train when they are ready!
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Give stickers as encouragement!
I think the most valuable piece of advice is to let your child set the pace!
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Rewards Rewards and praise can work wonders. Find what motivates your child–a favorite treat, small prizes, a fun progress chart, a phone call to a grandparent–and of course, high-fives and hugs.
TIP: Different levels of rewards are appropriate for different levels of success. If a reward no longer motivates your child, try a new one to help keep interest high.
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Keep a nite light in the bathroom – for those midnite potty breaks! 🙂
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here’s a good piece of advice:
Tell her it’s up to her when she uses the potty. And then don’t bring it up again. Let her be in control. Then, when she does go on her own, make a big deal and reward her so she wants to do it again.
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you should use some form of praise. Like candy
I learned
Every child is unique when it comes to potty training. There is no right age to start, but most children begin showing signs of readiness sometime between 18 and 24 months of age. Let your child set the pace.
My daughter started potty training at 28 months. She fully potty trained, but we still use pullups at nap, and when we leave the house! These would come in handy
i like the wet/dry activities because that is what we are working on