“Where’s daddy?” Those two words break my heart every time I hear them. His awareness of my husband’s absence is unmistakable. When my husband leaves, the tears begin to fall. I know it’s normal for children at this age to experience separation anxiety. Unfortunately, separation is a regular occurrence.
I am usually able to distract him. We sing or read a book or get a snack…anything to stop the tears from flowing. Sometimes it’s not so bad…less than a minute. Other times I have to get really creative (and dry my own tears).
Its nothing new that my husband has to work. In fact, I knew the kind of demanding schedule he was to keep when we were dating. And I remember having multiple conversations about our future and how that would affect us as a family with children. Multiple conversations that did not result in any satisfactory conclusion.
My husband works. Hard. He is the type of man who is ethical and loyal and believes in putting his best into everything he does. He enjoys his job (apart from the late nights and time away). His job allows him to express his creativity and make a difference in the industry he’s in. His job allows me to spend as much time with our little boy as possible (five full days to be exact).
His job also keeps him away from us more than we both really like.
And then there is my job. I used to love shift work. Who wouldn’t like to work three days every week and have four off. Week after week after week. When I was single, I’d take drives and go shopping and have tea and get manicures during the week to avoid weekend crowds. I’d do so much in those four days. Before children, my husband and I took short getaways in those four days without me ever having to take vacation.
Now…those two days just drag. The time away from my son is too long. My thoughts drift to him often. I leave before he wakes up and rarely make it home before he’s asleep. And the nights he’s with my parents because we both have to work mean I don’t get to see him for almost 2 days. It’s heartbreaking. And inconsistent. And oh how he needs consistency.
And it’s not that I don’t enjoy my job. I feel extremely blessed to work with such a specialized population. Not many can work in the neonatal intensive care. It’s joyful and tragic…in the same moment.
The reality is that we live in a state…a country…an economy that demands two incomes. We work to pay a mortgage…to provide food for our family…to drive our cars…to go on vacation (and rejuvenate after a year of working)…to be entertained…to put our children in preschool…all so we can go to work to pay for all of these things. And sometimes, I think about my sweet little boy and the baby kicking inside of me and think…less is more.
- Discover Luxury at Sonesta Irvine: Your Ideal Staycation - August 8, 2024
- CHOC Walk Returns to the Disneyland Resort – Special Events and Ways to Support - June 28, 2023
- Beastly Ball Returns to the Los Angeles Zoo - May 8, 2023
I believe that you have to choose what is most important to you.
I believe that you are right to say less is more. Personally, that is how we have chosen to live in our home.
We have chosen that I stay home and not bring in that second income. We don’t get to go on vacations, we don’t get to go out to movies, we don’t go shopping, or have cable tv (entertainment),and we don’t pay for preschool. We have to find entertainment in each other and in everyday life. I sometimes say that we live on a dime. BUT, I feel that those sacrifices get me so much more than I could put a price tag on. I get to eat dinner with my family every night. I get to always be there for bath time, and bed time. I get to peek in on my sleeping angel whenever I want, and it is soooo dreamy! I spend every day at home with him. We sneak off for short hours at the beach. I have no other responsibilities than taking care of my home, taking care of my son, and taking care of our relationships with one another. My husband and son are the light in my sky!
I have been ridiculed by my friends for having to do without! I feel though, that I am helping to supplement income by couponing, winning an occasional blog giveaway, and not spending money on gas or food or clothes for work.
I feel that no one in the world can put a price tag on the moments I get to enjoy each and every day with these two men in my life. I feel that this choice is right for our family. I deal with the comments made by the two income friends, and I am happy with the sacrifices we have chosen to make.
Recently, I was very harshly treated by a ‘friend’ who had alot to say about the choices I have made (not nice things to say,mind you). When I got over being hurt, I realized that she was right to say I chose this life.
I made the right choice for me. I feel that this is the only life I have, a one time opportunity, and I choose to be with my son every moment possible because all the money in the world cannot buy the joy in my heart that comes from seeing him smile or laugh, and all the money in the world could never fix the heartache that I feel when I have to be away from him. To me, now, money means nothing and my family means everything.
I love that you are dedicated to your work, but if you feel broken when you are away, maybe you could make changes that will free you from financial obligations and let you move on to family obligations where you feel whole again. I know some great bloggy ladies that have helped me cut my grocery/household goods bill by 70%!! If you want, email me and I will send you their sites.
I hope you take this the right way….I do not say these things to judge or be hurtful(I have just gone through this myself, but I was on the receiving end), every family and situation is different. I just think that sometimes our society pushes us to think that the money and vacations (and jobs) are completely necessary when maybe what you need more of is toddler kisses, days spent in your pjs, and dinners with your family. I have found in my life that these are the perfect prescription for relaxation and joy. I hope you find a balance in your life that brings you immense joy and satisfaction. Best of luck mama!
P.S.
I think my comment was as long as your post!
:o)
I hope you have a great day, and I had to say that I do so love your blog and that is why I felt compelled to say so much to you.
It is a hard think to take having your little one so upset when you leave. But, y’all are really blessed since it sounds like he’s always with someone who loves him very much! I know those 2 days are hard, but if you have to work, at least you have a shift that makes it where you are home more than not.
Caryn, I know it is hard right now. Josh is at an age where you don’t want to miss anything but then you want that steady income. But just think a few days a week isn’t that much.
I wish that we were a two income family. Having extra money would be great. We are a family that likes to live beyond our means, but it’s the choices we make and we make it work.
I ca see how much you love your family and how important they are to you. Your such a great mother and wife and Jason is lucky to have you. It gets easier as the kids get older.
Being a working mom is sometimes a thankless duality. She works quite hard at her job, one that is often stressful, political and demanding and still manages, mostly, to keep the household in working order. While she only works 2 days a week (which I often joke about with her when she complains), I don’t give her enough credit for all that she does.
I don’t think either of us fully realized the complexity that our 2 careers would create in our family life. She always works 12 hour shifts, while I work 8-18 hours depending on the event. Add to that, we never have the same schedule from one week to the next, sometimes working weekends or my occasional run of 7 to 20 days straight. Putting all of that together makes it impossible to find a nanny that we don’t have to pay full time, a daycare that is open for 14 hours, or avoiding the long drive through LA to grandma’s house to drop the little guy off for a couple days at a time while we work. I would love to see my Rockin’ Mama not work and I know she’s counting the days until she can go on Maternity leave. Either way, I love and appreciate all that she does for our family… Mother’s Day isn’t enough to express it!
You do what’s best for your entire family. Only you know the differences between your family’s “needs” and “wants” and how you would like to accomplish your goals. I can tell how much you love your family…they are blessed to have you.
“Less is more.” That is so true!
My husband and I live a very simple life. We have a moderate-sized house. We rarely eat out. We don’t have brand new cars.
But what we DO have is worth so much more than that – quality time with each other.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Best wishes to you and your family, Caryn. I think of you often.
Very thoughtful post. Sounds like you are thinking about a change. Is there a way you could work from home?